It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write. Sometimes I go through phases when I barely write at all, which is hard when so much of my identity is in being a writer. I envy the kinds of writers who go up to their lovely writing lofts every day and write for hours and hours. I’m just not that kind of writer, I guess. I thrive on creative bursts, so when creativity is lacking, I have a hard time forcing it. I’m not very disciplined. But today I’m finally sitting down to get words on the page.
So what have I been up to?
I’m not working right now. For a while, this was a struggle for me. I felt a sense of purposeless, of failure. Jobs I applied for didn’t work out, which was impactful on my self-esteem. I struggled with questions like: Am I not good enough? Why doesn’t anyone want me? What am I even good at? And then I got pregnant. Since I’m planning to stay home with the baby, I didn’t want to start a job that I’d be leaving in a few months. So I decided to stop the job search and to just wait for the baby. But here’s the thing: waiting turned out to be very hard. I felt the purposelessness very keenly, very acutely. I began to wonder: What is my purpose? How do I bring meaning into my life? Continue reading “Searching for Purpose”
I’ve always had a type A personality, even as a little girl. I liked being the best, being on top of things 100% of the time, and being in complete control. Growing up, this manifested as perfect grades. I slaved over homework in order to have the perfect report card. I was perfectionistic in other ways too. I never wanted to compete in sports because I knew I couldn’t win. If I was bad at sports, why bother trying? I avoided anything I knew I couldn’t completely succeed in. Continue reading “What are you waiting for?”
In my current period of waiting and transition, I’ve been wondering about what is next for me. What does the future hold? What will life look like in a month, three months, six?
I’m a planner. I always have been. I like to be in control of my life, certain of what is to come. I guess that’s why life is so uncomfortable right now. I believe God has a plan for me, but I don’t know what it is. And lately, I’ve been telling God just what I want his plan to be. I’d like things to work out perfectly: 1, 2, and 3. I know best. Continue reading “Plans”
Living with bipolar disorder can feel like walking on a balance beam. (And, bipolar or not, I’ve never been a very good gymnast.)
Today, I feel like I’m starting to wobble to one side.
Depression can be chemical. Depression can be situational. Depression can be both. But for me? Today? I think it has to do with the situation more than anything. Continue reading “Waiting”