I’ve been wanting to blog for a while now, but every time I’ve thought about sitting down to write, something kinda strange kept me from my computer. I wanted to write, but I wasn’t exactly sure what was going to come out once I did.
Those of you who’ve followed me know that I tend to write about an issue, concern, or pressing thought when I have one. Lately, though, I just haven’t had any. And you know what? That’s been pretty great. It’s nice not to have a concern constantly bearing down on me.
Just the other day, I was riding in the car with Rob when I told him that I was feeling a little wary.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because….” I started, “Everything in my life is going so well…I feel like something bad is bound to happen soon.”
Concerning my mental health, I’ve been doing really well. The daily anxiety I was having has lessened so much that there are days when I don’t even notice it. That’s huge! To be relieved from anxiety is like having a pulsing boulder removed from the chest! Plus, I haven’t been depressed in months and any past mania seems like a far-off memory.
I know my mental health will go in waves. Right now happens to be a particularly good season, and I am so, so grateful. I know the post-partum period may be tricky, so I’m thankful for the relief while I have it.
Still, it feels odd. To go from having a mental concern every day to none at all is unsettling—in a good way, yeah, but unsettling nonetheless. Do you know what I mean?
Concerning my physical health, I’ve been doing really well as well. A while ago, I was having strange abdominal pain. It was scary because none of my doctors could figure out what was going on. The baby was fine, organs were fine. So what was it? It wasn’t caused by anything I was eating and it appeared randomly at different times of day and night. I was worried that it was never going to go away. But it did! I haven’t experienced any pain for three weeks. Whatever it was, it’s gone now.
So, here I am, sitting pregnant on my couch, baffled by my good health. I don’t want to be on the alert, just waiting for “something bad to happen.” I want to soak it all in; I want to appreciate this time while I have it.
In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy being pregnant. The second trimester is supposed to be the best, right? Honestly, it’s a struggle for me. I don’t love the changes my body is going through. I feel large. Looking down at my belly, I’m thinking: How on earth do I have 17 more weeks to go?? I’m huge! Can I get any bigger?? But all of that insecurity is minimized by how good I’ve been feeling, mentally and physically. (And let’s be real. I’ll probably write more about body insecurity in the future because that seems to be my jam.)
So I guess this post is short and sweet. I just want to express how thankful I am right now. I’m thankful for this time in my life when I can honestly say that things are good. Because I live with a mental illness, I know that the water will eventually be choppy again, but that’s all the more reason to enjoy the smooth season. How fitting for the start of November.